remember that thing about my honesty vows? gosh, i’m trying, but it’s like undoing a life full of habits. we all lie so much, sometimes by just not saying anything.
tonight, i went out with old friend nichole, her boyfriend, amanda, and their friend sean from work. i love nichole, her boyfriend turned out quite cool, as did sean, and i’ve been trying to hang out with amanda for nearly a week, maybe more. let me just say… i was glad there was a bar. why did i spend so much energy on that girl? what was i thinking? i kind of wish i’d told her that, in retrospect, but im not sure that would have been considerate, really. we were polite on the way home and all, and i dont know if nicole suggested i get dropped off last because she wanted to give us a chance to hang out or not, but… too many people i’ve tried to spend time with lately have just not been worth the effort. they keep disappointing me. by the time we finally got a chance to talk, the two of us, i didn’t want to. and maybe last summer, or a few days ago, i’da thought i’d blown it, and would have seen my lack of effort in the car ride as a wasted opportunity, but now… i don’t even really regret it. not just her, or this situation, but this has come up a lot lately. be it girl or friend – if someone flakes out, makes excuses, and will only spend time with you when they have to… it isn’t worth it. forget about ‘em.
i shud be glad i’m getting back to a place where i’m willing to let people like that go, instead of being so lonely that i’d take that kinda treatment over being by myself. it still leaves me a little lonely, tho, so i’m not exactly glad. that’s how it goes, at least i’m toughening up. and at least there was a cute bartender to make conversation with.