hello again, from california. something i didn’t expect has happened.
we haven’t done very much since the accident. we’ve gotten a few things done: looking for health insurance, our taxes, junk like that. i’ve been icing my leg on and off, and taking some heavy duty ibuprofen. there’s this very painful lump on my bruise, i fear that it’s clotted blood, but fear knowing whether it is or not even more. i’m trying to stay off it, because it usually hurts when i move it too much. my whole body’s sore, and i’m just plain tired.
but yesterday caroline and i had a very long and serious talk. i’m not gonna stay in california. let me explain.
i left, a little bit after college, on the highest note i’d ever been on. we’d just finished the coolest project of my life, i’d made a ton of wonderful friends, done all manner of exciting californian things, i was healthy, and i’d just met this amazing girl. i’d been offered what seemed like an amazing job, and i left to go on a roadtrip, thinking i’d be back in a few months to start working again with my two work partners. i went home for the summer, lost that high, and got stuck in new york. the rest since then has been a struggle between this desire to succeed despite sometimes less than ideal circumstances, and this longing to return to that wonderful, sun filled perfection that was southern california before i left.
california always felt like the solution; if i could get back to california, i could get back to being me. i could get back to that girl, that health, that confidence, those friends. california was the missing piece of the puzzle.
i got back here a week ago. i spent the first few days trying to find a sailboat to live on, because that’s a dream of mine: sailing around the globe, adventuring without anything to tie me down, save my anchor when i chose to drop it. i figured living on a boat would be a good prep, and put me in a spot where i could learn how to sail. it wasn’t working, the boats were kind of expensive, though not much more than a crappy studio somewhere, but all the people that were renting were sketchy, and not returning my calls and such. so i was looking at other places, less nice places, either close to Otis, where my friends are, or close to Caroline, so i could come to her place to work everyday. i wanted places that were month-to-month, so i wouldn’t get stuck in a contract, and if i found a nice boat to live on, i could get out easily. they were tough to find, but i found a few decent ones, roughly the same price as a yearlong studio, or the boats.
and after the accident, i cared a lot more about health insurance. i can’t go without much longer, whether i think health insurance as an industry is a scam or not. it’s gonna cost more money per month than my previous health insurance plan, of nothing. and that plus the place, plus food, and the student loans i’ve been mostly ignoring. maybe the accident knocked some sense in to me, i joked, but i can’t keep this up. we were walking on the beach in venice the other day, with our feet in the sand on a bright sunny day, my toes in the pacific ocean, and all i could feel was this cloud over my head. i felt trapped, even in a place that should have been the epitome of relief.
the reason california was so wonderful last time was not because it was california. it was because i took the effort to get my life together: i learned how to be confident, i learned how to do what i wanted, and i was in control of my life & my emotions. i need that.
and while all this was unconsciously brewing in my mind, i was cruising craigslist for deals on my own apartment. and i happened to find this article, completely by accident. shelter may be a necessitiy, but having my own apartment? that’s just something i want. i hadn’t thought of it like that before. this financial burden, that debt i have, felt like it’ll constrain me until i’m dead. it felt like i couldn’t do anything, and no matter what i did, i wouldn’t have enough money to pay it off, and be free.
i have crazy dreams of living off in the middle of the jungle, or sailing from bay to bay on a coast in italy, or off in the woods in the middle of canada. i know that i would gladly sacrifice all kinds of modern conveniences to live like that, that’s never been an issue. but i can’t do it being financially trapped. having to pay $800 in student loans every month until I’m 45.
so. if i live at home, with my dad, my living expenses and food are covered. that’s, probably, at least $1200 a month that i’m not spending. i can put pretty much all of my income into paying back this $81 thousand school debt that i’ve accrued. and then i’ll be free. i can live off whatever meager salary i’m making after that, and not worry about anyone but me. i think, if i keep working hard, i can pay that whole amount off in 3 years. before, 3 years felt like a lifetime, but maybe 3 years isn’t so bad, if it means i can do anything i want, forever, after that.
some people will be disappointed in me for this, and some will think it’s a smart decision.
i was miserable at home, previously. i need to change that. i need to change my outlook and my habits, to get out of the house, have fun, enjoy alone time, and make real friends. maybe i can learn how to sail in skaneateles; it’s spring now, afterall. i’ll have a car, i can go exploring. maybe i can find a job that won’t interfere with my company, to help me meet people. it’s kind of like how some of my friends are taking 2 or 3 years to get their masters, only i’ll be eliminating the biggest barrier between me and feeling like i’m free.
i’ll stay in california for a few weeks – until a day or so after my birthday. it’ll give me a chance to catch up with my friends here, enjoy the beauties of california, and say some proper goodbyes at the end. i just need the right attitude.
j.
first of all, i’m glad no one was seriously hurt in the accident! that sounds super scary!!
second, i think you’re making a good choice. you’ve always been able work out what you really need once you’ve had a good talk about it. i’m glad you’re figuring it out.
good luck micah!
rachele
wow. im impressed with all your serious thinking. go you! and when you do come back to syracuse if im still around lets press the reset button on our friendship :-)
Eric Mill
I’m not excited, or disappointed – just concerned that you’re reacting quickly to an emotional impetus. I’m completely aware of the emotional vise that debt and financial stress brings; but you seem to be going from one extreme to the other.
You can get a shared apartment, somewhere in Cali/LA, for a lot less than your own apartment. You don’t have to choose between the price of renting your own sailboat, or the $0 price of living at home…there are middle grounds.
Environment is so incredibly important to happiness. Can you really just go back home wanting to have a better attitude and expect that to happen — and then stay that way for months and years? As you said, highs fade.
So I guess what I’m saying is, don’t overreact to a traumatic experience, and now-heightened concerns about health care and student loans. You’re running a sweet design shop that will, now or in the future, give you the money you want without having to do anything drastic. Put yourself in a place where you can make that a reality, and things will take care of themselves.