micah takes photographs

kcatherine and i went for coffee. i was unsure how it would go, but there was always a chance it could be just like last time. we got coffee, we talked. it felt like a second date. not like i hadn’t left, but like we were picking up again. we talked after, in the car, about our feelings for each other.

i am, for the record, still in love with her. so fully in love with her. but i’ve been saying i’ll come back, not coming back, and then saying i’ll come back. when i do finally come back, i now say i’m leaving, more permanently. i’ve been disappointing her, and she’s too selfless to see it like that. she isn’t ready to let her guard down again immediately, and that is just. she understands why i’m going, and she supports whatever i think is right, no questions asked. but i can’t let the idea that we could get hurt down the road ruin this small amount of time we have with each other. i’m being more honest with myself now than i have been. i don’t care if it hurts someday. it’s worth it.

i may have stepped back tonight, to give her room. i did my best to make the right move when i was faced with it. but in retrospect that wasn’t what i should have done. if she says no, it’s one thing, but i think we both want to enjoy right now with each other. i have this… clarity, after coming here. this isn’t a relationship, even we both hoped it could be when i came back. it’s moment to moment now, and that means that these moments we have right now, while i’m here, and she’s here, and we both have these feelings, need to be appreciated.

the things i’ve most regretted were the things i was too scared to do. i am in love with her. and even with a future broken heart, i know i can feel right having not held back. if she were still parked outside, i would go out and kiss her.

as for everything else. ive talked to monica about it. i’ve talked to teri about it. i’ve talked to pacho about it. so far, almost all the reactions have been "give LA time." this decision, i think, is not what it seems. for so long i have coveted california, and it’s because it began as a blank slate, where, with effort, i made myself into a man, a man that i wanted to be. a man because i faced the things i was afraid of, and took control of who i was and how i reacted to those things. a man because i was courageous in the face of fear.

the struggle after i left was because i lost that person, reverting to someone who was not in control of his life. who hid when he was afraid, and asked, "why me?" and i thought i could find myself again, by coming back to california. in a way, i was right. i’ve been reminded, in this short time here, what it felt like to be at peace, honest, and strong. here i’ve got friends; here i might have even had a girlfriend. this city, i don’t care about, and really don’t even care for much. but the people are good here, surrounded with love. everyone’s reaction has been, "if you have all these good things, why leave?"

the financial situation is a real reason, and it’s a valid one. my debt is huge, and larger than most kids i know. i could be putting my entire income towards this debt, and knock it out of my life in a fraction of the time, leaving me shackle-less and free to roam.

but everyone’s talking about happiness – i should live where i’ll be happy. i made that happiness here once. i made it. from scratch. i left this place and "lost" it. it should have carried with me. i need to be happy wherever i am. i can do that by learning to be happy with myself. i am most unhappy in camillus, and i feel like i can go back there now, fix myself, and realize that i can anything. i have to try. does that make sense? teri says home will be going back to what’s safe, and i cant grow in a place where i’m safe and taken care of. she’s right, but she’s got it reversed. i’m safe here. people here love me, and i can lean on people here. here, i am who i want to be, because that’s how people here know and remember me. i may not have a place to live here, and financially ill be on my own. that should be scary, but i’m sure itll work out. it’ll take forever to pay off my loans that way, but i feel like it’d work out eventually. here is… easy. home is hard. if i can be who i should be, even at home, then i think i can be me anywhere.

part of the idea of staying here is… tempting. i want so badly to be with kcatherine. i had such a fun time hanging out with yanko and pacho and mike at lunch. having good talks with teri and dan was nice. i feel like i have a mission, and right now, after having spent a night being reminded that there’s this one-of-a-kind girl here, that i could be with, if i stayed… it’s tempting. but she’s the kind of girl that will live her own life, with or without me, and i know that staying here to be with her, or to be able to hang out with my friends, or spend time with caroline… it’s not me growing. it’s me hiding inside something again, just something that happens to feel good.

maybe i can’t explain it. but, tonight, i was at least reminded that i’m still in love with a wonderful girl.