today… was a hell of a flipping day. after last night, and after that stranger left that comment, i was… confused, to say the least. i don’t know who it was, and i am not angry, but whoever wrote the comment yesterday knew exactly how to cut right down to my soul.
i started questioning my decision. i started reweighing the options. i considered kcatherine, my friends, what life would be like here, how long it would take to pay off my loans. i considered leaving all that, how i could make home good, what i could do if i payed those loans off. caroline and i literally spent all day talking, thank god for her. i weighed every option i could think of. she said some things that were dead on, and things people haven’t so much said to me before. about how i’m obviously afraid of commitment; about how this idea that i can make myself on my own, without relying on other people to make me happy, is twisted. it kind of is, and i’m not sure how i got this way. we even got down to the core idea that, deep, deep down, i dislike the rules of society here, and i’ve got this intense desire to go off on my own to be surrounded my nature. and the reason that comment yesterday was so perfectly placed, and so perfectly sharp, was because i want so badly not to be alone, but to do that with someone, and share it, and i just think… i can’t. i have to choose between living life the way i want to, and living life with other people in it. i have always been this intensely conflicted person for that reason, if nothing else. i wasn’t sure where i stood.
and then i talked to monica. monica said a lot of very true, painful things. i hurt monica. and, not to lump her in with everyone else, but she reminded me of a handful of people i’ve hurt. and i’m still hurting people. kcatherine. caroline. pacho, teri. i felt tonight like the only thing i was good at was hurting people. and running away.
i called heather. i also called nick & missy, but heather called me back first. i had to fill her in on all that’s happened since i got to california – my apartment search & the lack of an immediate emotional fix, the car accident, kcatherine, monica, my other friends & caroline… and she helped me. she reminded me that at every point, whether i ended up hurting someone or not, i did my best. i’ve honestly been doing my best, this entire past year, and right now. i feel so horrible hurting these people that i care so much about, but i didn’t do anything wrong, and i’m being honest and trying the best i can to figure myself out, and figure out what’s best for me.
she said that i should weigh all my options, and i have. she asked why i wanted california so badly, and i knew it was because of the people here that i care about. she said, in that case, that if i can find a way to stay in california that’s comparable to the benefits i’d get from living at home, i should stay in california. my one comparable option is living in caroline’s studio, and letting her pay the full rent, and… i think she understands why, but i just can’t do that.
and so monica and i talked. she’s hurt and angry at me, but we’ll be friends again. i sorted through all my feelings for friends and love, and realized that love & friends is the reason to stay – and i can’t stay just for that. i can’t live a life for them, no matter how much i love them.
so in the end, at the end of this incredibly long and emotional day, i feel fragile, exhausted from crying, and hurt. but i think i’ve thought through this as much as i can right now, and i think going home is the right decision. i think everyone knows that i don’t mean to hurt them, and i think everyone will understand that i’m just trying to do what’s best for me. it’s just really… hard.
rachele
hey mr. serious,
Just please remember this, nothing is set in stone! So you get home and you change your mind, maybe cali was right for you..pick up and move back, no one is going to hold it against you..its the nice thing about being young and stupid..we get to be young and stupid.
As for the people you have hurt, you have been hurt by people before too and you have found ways to forgive, so will they, we are all together in this learning process called life.
now tomorrow your goal is to laugh at least once really hard, I think you need that right now, take some of this worry and concern and deep thinking away for a few moments and just laugh, like the kind that starts at the bottom of your stomach and bubbles up.
I know you’re stressed and worried clarissa, but keep smiling, don’t let life pass you by while you’re trying to figure it out.
Eric Mill
I just don’t understand. I know you’re spending your time writing these entries to try, somehow, to communicate to everyone why you’re leaving California. And I know I don’t know you all that closely, compared to all of the longtime friends you’re speaking with.
But this doesn’t add up. All I’ve been getting is: paying my loans faster is more important than being near loved ones. What is going on? That’s not like any advice you’ve ever given me. That is not consistent with the Micah Worldview that it took me little time to understand and gain huge respect for.
It has sounded to me like you’re writing these posts justifying your decision for yourself, rather than your friends. If you have to spend that much time persuading, and you’re susceptible to even a one line blog comment, maybe that’s a sign that your gut isn’t following your head.
It took so much effort to get out to California. It’s going to take 10 times as much effort to leave home again, be it for California or elsewhere. Leaving California should be something your heart and mind agree on.