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ja

Sunday, July 20 2008

so i promised shane i’d get back on updating.

today didn’t really go according to plan. which kind of matches this summer, i suppose. shane and i had a talk last night about how this summer has been unbearable because i don’t have anything i want to achieve. no goals. which is an exaggeration, but it’s that the few goals i have get dreadfully old painfully quick, and i’m left with nothing i want to do. so i wrote down a list of things i wanted to do. hobbies, i guess. kind of. i want to go to the library more. read, and do work, neither of which i’ve been doing. i want to learn how to shave with a straight razor. i want to dress nicer, which unfortunately costs some money. do at least one more pushup every day. there were a few other things, but i’m working from memory here.

so i was sure today would be better. i got that feeling when i woke up again. the one where i wish i hadn’t. it was pouring out, so a few of my things were off the list. and my dad took the car i know how to drive, so i couldn’t really go anywhere.

oh, i guess i never mentioned. i bought a car. it’s a manual. i’m trying to learn.

i had a play date with an old friend tonight, and it was the only thing i was looking forward to. i told my dad i’d need the car, but he took it because it was raining. and it’s his car.

anyway, long story short. i didn’t go see my friend, which sucked. i kept trying to drive my “new” car, and it was exhaustingly frustrating. every time i went to stop at a stop sign, it’d stall. and camillus, or a whole lot of it, i now realize, is right inbetween being middle class and being rich. so that people act ritzy, but are all concerned about it, so they get pissed off easily, over pretty much nothing. when the car stalls at a stop sign, it really is only off for less than a minute before i turn it back on and start moving, but people around here do their best not to stop at stop signs, and they say all manner of horrible things and have all sorts of indecent gestures to give anyone that gets in their way for more than a second. i did my best not to let it get to me, but i was already so frustrated by a big handful of things this summer, not the last of which would be the fact that i can’t drive my own car, that it did get to me, and by the time i got home, i was slamming doors and throwing keys. and i walked around in circles in my house for a few minutes, pulling on my hair, and ended up sobbing for a few hours, wondering why on earth i’d come back here.

i wish i hadn’t. i’m sorry i didn’t get to see rachel tonight, but i couldn’t. and for some reason, i thought it wouldn’t be good to stay in LA, but i still wish i hadn’t come home.