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twenty years from today

Friday, August 08 2008

i went to the blarney stone tonight. because rachele wanted me to. it was fun hanging out with them. and i saw amanda, of course. i’m kind of proud to say i went for another reason. i also saw katerichrds, and sara something from kinneys that we went downtown with once. i saw pete and bernardi in the back corner, met their friends. brianstan-street showed up, and one or two other random kids. i guess the real thing is that i went by myself, which has never happened before. granted, i knew i’d meet up with people there, but still. i came in, said hello to a few people, found the people i’d promised to meet, sat down. chatted, then went to go talk to some other people. and i hopped back and forth a little bit, which made me feel like a real person. there was a point when i sat at the bar, and for a minute didn’t talk to anyone. and then people i knew started talking to me. i didnt feel needy, i didnt feel trapped, i didnt feel jumbled for a few hours. i felt a little bit like myself.

and on the other topic. i’m beginning to not care as much, i guess. which is probably the way to go. it means more than i’m pretending, though.

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.”

but yesterday i went to boston. me and nick. we met up with j and z, had a grownup-feeling dinner, and got dessert. we joked around like we were all old buddies, and i like that i had friends to call when we were in some random city. we walked a lot though, and i haven’t been so sore in a long time. we left at 9am and got back at 5am. it was serious. and boston is a beautiful city.

oy. i just don’t understand what’s going on in my life. i think all the things i get excited about end up a catch-22 in a way that leaves me still excited, but disappointed. i truly wish i had a better way to explain that. am i playing my cards right? should i even be playing cards? that is how i feel.