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tags:
• home /

between a car and a hard place

Monday, August 11 2008

i know better than to move across the country for a girl. i do.

i had a conversation tonight with sandy. we haven’t talked in a few weeks. and often, when we talk, it’s a recounting of silly, unimportant things, just making conversation. sometimes we’re unsatisfied by this, i suspect, which is part of why i think we haven’t talked in a few weeks. maybe it wasn’t as great a connection as we thought, yano? after all, we only went out a few times. but tonight.

in recounting the few things that i have worth talking about, boston came up. i wasn’t gonna tell her until i had some idea of what i wanted to do, boston or LA. but it came up. and what followed was most possibly the first real conversation i’ve had with anyone all summer long. i told her everything, and how i felt and how confused and un-me i’ve been. how stunting home has been, how afraid i am of both settling and settling down. i feel like going back to LA is a continuation of a good life that will lead to comfortable complacency. i’m afraid that being comfortable will be the end of my big dreams. do i go with what i’m almost positive will be good, or do i try something totally new? i want to practice being who i want to be, no matter where i am, and starting from zero is the only way to practice. but on the other hand, i was who i wanted to be, and i think if i went back, i would be again. we talked about all of this, and she felt how i felt, and helped me see things more clearly. she didnt try to convince me of one or the other, and more importantly, didnt tell me what she thought i wanted to hear. she couldnt understand what was so bad with comfortable, and the way she said it made me rethink the same question. it’s only permanent if i make it permanent, she told me.

god, she’s so incredible. i trust her; i unbottled. she was concerned about my decision having something to do with her. it does, a little. she’s one of the good things to go back to. she isnt gonna back herself into a corner, she wants to see where things go and all that, and of course, anything else would be silly. it may be in my brain, the thought of what could be there between us, but i’ve done this enough to know that my brain and reality don’t necessarily share the same image. i know better than to move across the country for a girl. i do. but i’d be lying if i said she had nothing to do with anything. it’s about doing what makes me happy, and i think that the side of the paper that says LA will involve her. if i go back.

so what do i want? i dont know yet. but at least i know better than to move across the country for a girl.

i do.

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