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Wednesday, January 16 2008
i had a strange, sort of… epiphany tonight.
i came home from school, and was in a generally good mood. things are going pretty well here. i got home around 1030 or so, and decided to eat something. i had been avoiding it, because i’m so new in this house, and truthfully i’m unsure of what would be overstepping my boundaries. i got enough groceries to do me for the week, but had left them in their bags, where there was extra room, because i wasn’t sure how they do things here. when i came home tonight, i think juan had cleaned up the kitchen a bit, and there was lots of room in the refrigerator, because he’d thrown out a bunch of old stuff. i took it as a sign, and unpacked my food. i moved some space around and secured myself a kitchen cabinet, and that was when i decided to cook something.
it wasn’t anything major, i ended up making spaghetti, with some beef and onion in the sauce, and a small salad. but i was using their cookware and dishes and utensils. and i sat and ate my mostly clear desk, and listened to this one song that’s been on repeat all day. i spilled a bit of spaghetti sauce on my new favorite shirt, the yellow one. i didn’t want it to stain, so, after hand-washing the dishes i’d dirtied (despite there being a dishwasher), i went to get the spaghetti off the collar. it got a little wetter than i’d planned, and i thought… “washing machines really just vibrate soapy water around,” and i washed the shirt by hand in the sink. i’m probably gonna buy a clothesline next time i find myself in a store.
now, none of this is a big deal. it’s really not, it was just an uneventful evening of cooking and cleaning. but there was a lot of silence, and it led to a lot of thought.
with the exception of the two years i spent in portland, maine, i’ve always felt a bit like a leader. that’s either because it’s how i read the situation, or because people looked at me like i was. i’m really not sure, and i mean that. how did i get the respect that i’ve gotten from all of the wonderful people i know that respect me? i try to be a good person, i suppose, but beyond that, i’m a little unsure.
in the past few years, i’ve made a conscious effort to better that part of myself. i’ve tried to teach myself how to be more confident, less hindered by fear, and how to take risks when it’s important to take risks. i’ve got plenty of learning left to do in all of those areas, but i’ve learned a lot, too, and i think that i’m a better person for it.
and i’ve been thinking of other ways i need to improve lately. i was washing the dishes in the sink tonight, and kept thinking, “i don’t need to keep the water running, i could save some water.” and i’ve grown less dependent on lightbulbs, and i use candles a lot. i’m not even sure how that one happened, i think i just like candles, and it was an added bonus of saving electricity.
i want to start growing herbs and vegetables. not a lot, but enough for me. i want to start buying local food, at farmer’s markets. i especially want to make all my bread myself. i learned this winter break how easy bread is to make. it takes a little time, but not in the way i always thought: you work on the dough for 10 or 15 minutes, do something else for an hour or more, and whenever you want to make it, it takes literally a few minutes in the oven. then you have bread. i flippin’ love bread. who doesn’t love bread? and i made it myself. i’m just saying.
i’m not sure where all this is coming from. maybe it’s the thought of biking to school in the city of a billion cars, even if i haven’t done it yet. maybe it’s the articles i’ve been finding about how easy and beneficial it is to live a simpler life and to grow your own food. maybe it’s me trying to save money. i know part of it is my thesis, and how if we’re preaching how much good you can do, i ought to be practicing it.
but i do know one thing. a leader is simply a person willing to set an example. i know i could be destined for great things, and if i plan on being a good leader for anything at all, i need to be a good person. there’s a lot of good that i’m not yet doing, and there’s no better time to start than right now.
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